Thursday, 3 April 2014

MySpace and Bebo: The Vast Abandoned Cities of the Internet

Ever since everyone started unrelentingly deepthroating Facebook back in 2010, its rivals were a bit fucked. MySpace and Bebo both lost pretty much all of their respective user traffic. People west, east, and central were just upping and abandoning their accounts, with only a few making the effort to actually delete them so the admins don't get their hopes up. Up until recently logging on to an old account out of boredom or curiosity (brought about by boredom) was like walking around a vast abandoned city like Pripyat or anywhere in North Korea that isn't the middle of Pyongyang. You'd find your old account with all your mates' old accounts still in the friends list, you'd see all your old photos and your last update would be from several years ago. You'd click on a mate's account: "Last active: 8th February 2009."

Both MySpace and Bebo suffered the same abandonment and yet, rather confusingly, kept going. Like an oblivious stand-up dying at a gig, they just...
kept on going...

MySpace has changed its layout at least three times since everyone left. The flow of traffic was so minimal at one point that MySpace's admins just went "fuck it" and changed its name to "My_____." Literally "My" and then an actual space. The most pointless thing I've ever seen done on the internet and nobody fucking noticed. Bebo was adamant that everyone would get bored of Facebook and come back, like a 'friendzoned' boy desperately yet fruitlessly attempting to advance on a young lady who's about as interested in him as the pope is in going to Ibiza and getting fookin' wankered, m8. So Bebo didn't change anything for years that was noteworthy or even noticeable.

That is until now.

From what I gather from my "extensive research", MySpace has reverted back to its previous name and become a music sharing website like Spotify or Soundcloud, and Bebo has completely changed everything. They've removed all the dusty old abandoned accounts and they've made a page explaining why they've done that as if anyone actually gives a shit or remembers they had an account with them in the first place, and they've got a little counter of people who've signed up for the 'new' Bebo. So far it's got up to a fucking astonishing 18 people. You go Bebo. There's also a video of the weird looking billionaire owner of Bebo who presumably forgot he owned Bebo until he suddenly remembered one day and was bored enough to give it a complete overhaul. You should go and pop over there. It's the same URL. Make an account you're going to update twice. Then leave forever.

Just like mum did.


Monday, 10 February 2014


I imagine there's a huge debate going on that's been raging for some decades between scientists, linguists, and people who haven't got any friends about whether you eat soup, or drink it. I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I've come to the conclusion that I don't give a dog's arsehole. As far as I'm concerned, if it's thin enough to be drunk from a mug, you drink it but if it's thick enough to be eaten with a fork, you eat it. It's not a difficult concept.

I've always been a connoisseur of soup, so I know when I'm eating a bad one and similarly a good one. I can prove I know soups by making a damn fine lentil, a bloody marvellous potato, and a really rather splendid French onion. Although, anyone can make a good French onion soup because it's impossible to make a bad one. All it is is chopped and sauteed onions with beef stock, and if you make a fuckery of that then you aren't fit to live among society and you must be sectioned. I'm looking at you Heinz.

Seriously, who have they got taste-testing the soups that Heinz make? Homeless people? East African children? When it comes to making soup, Heinz get everything wrong. It's like they're going out of their way to mass-produce the world's worst soups. All of their soups, except maybe their cream of tomato, are bits of mushy vegetables submerged in tasteless slime. I've had better tasting phlegm. Whose idea was it to put cornflour in soup? You don't put cornflour in soup! Cornflour goes in gravy! Is soup gravy? No! It is not! Heinz, you do well with your condiments, you really do. You set the benchmark with your beans. But by the power of Greyskull, sort your soups out. Why, for the love of God, do you put chunks of what I think is supposed to be carrot in every fucking soup you inflict upon the general public? If I've paid for a pea and ham soup I expect to find a soup made out of split or fresh peas and with bits of ham in the soup, not a bowl of snot in which you've submerged lumps of all the vegetables you found behind Asda along with WHOLE FUCKING PEAS and cubes of some poor animal's rectum.

It's really fucking easy to make a large quantity of good quality soup. Waitrose can do it, Baxter's can do it, even I can fucking do it. So what the fuck, Heinz? Soup is really easy to make well if you follow a familiar recipe that works, it's when you start experimenting shit goes wrong. For instance, once I left some onions, some red lentils, and a bay leaf to simmer for ten minutes longer than I usually leave it and I managed to burn the soup onto the pan, but even that was preferable to Heinz's bullshit.

A bowl of actual bull's shit is preferable to Heinz's bullshit.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Well Fuck Me Backwards, it's Only a New Bloody Year!

Well how the fuck about that then? Another year, except with a new number in it, which replaces the old number! Look at that! Isn't that something?

Well I never.

Because my internet connection's a stupid bastard, it's incapable of doing two things at once, so I'm going to make this brief;

Some of you will have a good year, and some of you will have a shit year. That's just how life works. So I can't wish you all a happy new year if some of you are only going to go and have a shit one. It will make me feel bad, it'll make you feel bad. God will be angry.

Besides, it's the fifth of January. We should have got this new year's gubbins over with by now.