Tuesday, 28 May 2013
52. The commission, production, promotion, and release of Windows 8. It's exactly the same as Windows7 but with some kind of mental deficiency.
53. Acting like such a God damn fruit that you hurt your ankle.
54. Developing your own versions of YOLO:
YTAB: Your Tits Are Brilliant
SUYS: Shut Up, You Slag
SLAMGET: Stop Looking At My Girlfriend's Excellent Tits
YODO: You Only Die Once
55. Legally changing your name to H. FUCKING, and insisting that it's always written in capitals so my name would become Samuel H. FUCKING Philpott. Also you shout it when you say your name.
56. Opening a bottle of beer with your wah pedal because you don't have a bottle opener handy.
57. Building a multi-level, very intricate, house of cards-like tower out of the shit plastic chairs at my college.
58. New (now fairly old) copypasta:
>attend Cadbury College
>some cleaner bitches at us because the Hub is too messy
>agree to clean up the Hub
>everybody agrees we should slap our cocks on the Hub
>the fucking new guy accidentally cums on Hub
>its to late now, the dude is bitching that the Hub's not clean
>we mix the jizz with some hot chocolate
>we all go away for holidays
>they replace the chairs
59. Running around a heavily crowded public area in the nude because IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!
60. Changing the date of the Mayan apocalypse to September 15th 2015, because in a shock turn of events nothing happened yesterday (22/12/12).
61. Walking into a sexual health clinic with a load of girls all arm-in-arm, and going up to the counter to tell the rather incredulous employee that you're "going to need some fucking condoms!" Only to have one of the girls shout "...and some lube!"
62. Doing mediocre Darth Vader impressions with the cardboard tubes wrapping paper comes with.
63. Blaming everything bad that happens to you on Barack Obama.
64. That thing where you put "in my arse" as a suffix to a random song or film title.
65. Counting down to 2013 half a minute early. Silly Big Ben.
66. Running an ad-campaign for a deodorant brand that's literally just "Clean your balls!"
67. Go to RedTube; search "fast-forward blowjobs."
Cigarette scented incense
Dog shit soap
69. Writing a poem about farting
70. Going to your local video game retailer and asking for such titles as:
Ku Klux Kars: Master Racing
Virtual Manlove in the Middle East
Anne Frank's Hide-and-Seek Championship
London Bus Simulator 2005
Adolf Hitler's Holocaust Tycoon
71. A dirty snow-related pun:
The snow's not the only thing six inches deep tonight.
72. Wearing hench as fuck hiking boots because of their superior grip when Britain turned into fucking Hoth for three months, and then slipping around like a dog on an ice rink because the compacted snow had turned into ice. Unmodified hiking boots don't work on ice, as I found out the hard way.
73. Posting links to shock videos on Facebook all the fucking time.
74. Australian rules of life:
> Live a little
> Watch out for the fucking wildlife
> Help yourself to a fucking beer
> Try not to be a cunt
75. Being so dedicated to shouting full-volume at your, apparently sentient, computer that you angrily clear your throat in order to do it more clearly.
76. Singing We're Not going to Take it by Twisted Sister, but replacing all the lyrics with Hitler.
77. Taking high-resolution photographs of brick walls and passing it off as "abstract."
78. One of my friend Vickie's knock-knock jokes:
ME YOU TWAT!
79. Holding a cup of coffee up to my face so it warms my chin. Ingenuity.
80. The last time I was home-alone, I stripped to the nude and sung boisterously to myself as I had a nude poo. (In the toilet, of course.)
81. Using "your dad wears long johns" as a legitimate insult.
82. Trying to kill oneself with antibiotics.
83. Pointing out that Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin did not have the same style of facial adornment, as Hitler's was rectangular, whereas Chaplin's was a trapezoid.
84. Calling someone and acting as though they called you.
85. Spending a lot of time and putting a lot of hard work into writing an essay and making it exactly 1000 words to boot, only to have written about the wrong fucking thing. Again.
86. Being my 15 year old brother, Ben. He is a crazy motherfucker.
87. Founding my very own Secret Society of Samuels, an elite group dedicated so something, for some reason. There are 18 Sams in this society.
88. Stripping to the nude, smearing myself with my own faeces, wearing a Superman cape, and running around screaming Christmas carols to scare pigeons.
89. Pretend a banana is a mobile phone for an entire day, pretending to answer it in the middle of serious conversations with teachers, co-workers, or superiors.
90. Eat a herculean amount of beetroots just to see what colour your piss goes.
91. Fraping me while I'm logged on to my own profile.
92. Using the Navy Seal copypasta as the main body for your CV.
93. Spending hundreds of pounds on large purple dildos, and then planting them anonymously around college in order to become The Dildo Bandit of 2013, the much anticipated successor of The Phantom Shitter of 2011.
94. Go to a library and shout "Cunt!" at all of Shakespeare's publications.
95. Go to your local music retailer (if it hasn't gone into administration), go to the metal section, take a paint pen. Wherever you see the word "metal", whether referring to the musical genre or not, place quotation marks around the word with the paint pen. For the best effect, wear a Linkin Park t-shirt.
96. Go on Google maps and find all the roads with your surname. If there's one local, go there and conquer the street in your family's honour.
97. Transcribing the lyrics to Metallica's Orion.
98. Calling in sick to work/school/college with the most ridiculously obvious fake ailment, like polio of the lungs, or an ingrown foreskin, but playing it off seriously.
99. Singing along to Eye of the Tiger whilst shitting loudly in a public toilet.
100. My friends Adam and Damon's attempts at winning the Nobel prize for literature.
101. "Game of Tones" A game in which participants must download the most offensive song they can find, and make it their ringtone. Participants must present video evidence of the public use of their offensive ringtone. The more offensive the better. Obviously.
That's it. That's all of them. 101 actual things that are a better use of time than General Studies. I hope you enjoyed them.
Now read my poems, damn you.
Monday, 20 May 2013
- Sitting in an empty room making popping noises with one's mouth.
- Bread slippers.
- Spending an entire afternoon pretending to be telepathic.
- Getting up really early in the morning in order to pretend you are the only survivor of some great apocalypse.
- Spending an entire morning making up creative euphemisms for poo.
- Missing the sixth one out by accident, but pretending it was deliberate.
- Toast sandwiches.
- Designing and constructing a submarine using only cardboard.
- Going around the local park putting straws in all the dog turds.
- Going into a lift full of people and after a few seconds of silence saying "You're probably all wondering why I've gathered you here."
- Spending twelve years of full-time compulsory education learning to read and write only to create a Facebook account and write as if you started learning ten minutes ago.
- Wearing a suit all day for no reason.
- Getting up from your seat during a general studies lesson, and running into one of the floor-to-ceiling windows in your general studies room in response to seeing some people you know walk past in the corridor.
- Translating nursery rhymes into German using Google Translate.
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in German:
Funkeln funkeln Wenigheit Stern,
Wie ich frage mich, wo du bist,
Bis uber die Welt so hoch,
Wie en Diamant am Himmel,
Funkeln funkeln Wenigheit Stern,
Wie ich frage mich, wo du bist.
- Writing a song/poem about salad cream:
- Making up words that incorporate other words to make puns.
Fuhrerious: Herr Hitler found out about the escaped prisoners, he's absolutely Fuhrerious.
Tyrantial: Joseph Stalin is soaked because he got caught in the tyrantial rain.
Hitlerious: The Nazi's tactics during the war were so bad, it was Hitlerious.
- Finding out how much of myself I can fit into a large-ish cardboard box without tearing the side.
- Lying in hospital watching programs about hospitals and then being all disappointed when the hospital you're in is nothing like the hospital on the TV.
- Combining two flavours of crisp to invent a whole new incredible flavour.
Salted Cheese and Pickled Onion (Cheese and Onion and Salt and Vinegar)
BBQ Bacon (BBQ Beef and Smokey Bacon)
Marmite (Prawn Cocktail and Worcestershire Sauce)
Salt and Salt and Vinegar (Ready Salted and Salt and Vinegar)
- Running through a supermarket in your underwear shouting "Dinosaurs!"
- Killing small animals for sport by stomping on them with large work boots.
- Learning Wonder Mike's part of Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang by heart.
- Irritating the religious.
- Failing general studies.
- Designing and manufacturing a car with its steering wheel on its roof.
- Attempting to snort Calpol.
- Going to a notoriously haunted tourist attraction dressed as a cartoon ghost.
- Playing a game of Twat with oneself and losing.
- Going to the local library pretending to have Tourette's.
- Stripping to your underwear whilst repeatedly shouting "Porn!"
- Attempting to pass off the ingredients from a can of energy drink as a poem.
- Opposite bands:
ZZ Top - AA Bottom
Led Zeppelin - Hydrogen Unicycle
Deep Purple - Shallow Yellow
Fleetwood Mac - Fleetsteel PC
Metallica - Plastica
Lamb of God - Tofu of Satan
Job for a Cowboy - Unemployment for an Indian
Rush - Mosey
Dimmu Borgir - Fuck knows.
- Drawing on your friend's face after he's passed out and doing that creative, original, and above all inventive thing thing where you draw an arrow pointing to the nearest facial orifice and writing "Insert cock here."
- Amusing oneself by making a noise resembling an idling tractor.
- Trying to see how long you can watch The Only Way is Essex before your eyes start bleeding.
- Being amused to no end whenever someone says "[thing] smells funny" by replacing "funny" with "like semen."
- Making shoes out of Parmesan cheese.
- Trying to frape someone while they're still on their fucking laptop. niggers hitler hitler
- Chair-shuffling Olympics.
- Going on Dragons' Den in an attempt to persuade one of the Dragons to invest in your groundbreaking new invention; the circle.
- Going to a really important job interview wearing a full Medieval suit of armour.
- Doing anything at all in a banana suit. Literally anything.
- My friend Adam said this when he was playing Pokémon at college: "Fuck off, you deodorant-using cuntflap-fucking prick!"
- Vaginal euphemisms:
The Gates to Hell
The Magic Pink Scabbard of Destiny
The "other" mouth.
- Assembling a group, dressing them as Vikings, and then conquering the German Christmas market in Birmingham.
- ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) This thing, I mean seriously, what the fuck is this thing?
- Talking like a Medieval prince for an entire day.
- Take three men with Tourette's and send them on holiday for a week. Hilarity ensues.
- Killing small, furry animals with a mechanical vice to pass the time.
I'm not even going to attempt to fit all 101 in one post. The next 51 will be in part 2 next week.